1. Hip opening positions.    What does it actually look like when your hips finally open?  Is it physically possible?
2. Breath into your back body.  How? Through the hole in the back of my lungs? And, what is a back body?
3. Spread your Toes.  What normal person can actually do this?  It seems that only my instructors have Yoga Toes.
4. Root down on the four corners of your feet.  Who has square feet and how do you make them root?
5. Yogis refer to their ’Groins’ – I thought we only had one groin?  Who pluralized Groin to make it Groins?
6. What are these Sitz bones they always talk about.   Are they the bones we sits on?
7. In downward dog they ask me to ’Pull up my thighs.’   How do I do that?
8. Why is all the chanting in a different language?  Can’t we chant in english so we can understand it?
9. From high plank, ‘hop’ or float your feet between your hands.  Float? Are you kidding me? This is not as easy as is sounds…
10. Inversions enhance the immune system.   Brilliant, this should save me hundreds of dollars in Cold FX and Echinacea.
11. After 5 Jivimukti Classes I don’t know what it is.  And after an internet search for Jivimukti I still don’t.
12. Bring yourself back into the room by focusing on your breath.  Strange little concept (but after a few months of yoga I get it)

It happened so quickly it caught me by surprise. Just for a moment I thought it may have been the squeaking sound that a yoga mat could make with the twist of a hand or foot.  But I don’t think so.  I could see too many people sneaking a wide-eyed look back through their legs while they were in downward dog.  But, no one was claiming responsibility?

While I was scanning for potential culprits in the general vicinity, it occurred to me that I was accidently making eye contact with some of the people in the room that were checking out where the toot came from.  Wow, it suddenly occurred to me that some people may think the noise came from me!  It made sense, I am the only one with my head up looking around, I am the one with the strange and shocked look on my face and of course I am the only man in the general direction of where the noise came from. 

Wow  -  the woman who did this is practically blaming the toot on me by not raising her hand to admit that she did it.  By not whispering excuse me she is virtually assured that everyone in the room will assume it came from the “pig man” at the back.  I even saw the other man in the class smirking in my direction. 

It was difficult making eye contact after class that day…  I swear, I didn’t do it but some how, against my will, I silently took responsibility.

Now, to me toes are toes – they are better left unseen, they really belong under socks which should be covered by shoes.  Generally, I find that most toes are pretty ugly to look at and are best left unseen.  To me, they are really just kind of  ‘neutral’  like elbows - not really something that we should draw attention to.

My yoga teachers are always showing off their yoga toes.  I can tell that they are actually proud of how far they can separate their toes.  They tell us to spread our toes before we root our foot into the ground and based on how wide they can spread their toes, I totally understand how it would help with stability.  Honestly, the first time I saw yoga toes I thought it one of the most freakishly bizarre things I had ever seen. 

Go ahead, try it, I dare you – separate your toes like you separate your fingers.  Now… I can flare my nostrils, I can wink my eyes, I can even move my ears so little kids will point and tell their mothers.   Using every ounce of will power within me, staining to separate, even trying to make my brain send messages to my toes –  I can not make my toes separate from each other.

However, I think I may have found the solution to my dilemma. In my research for this post I googled ‘yoga toes’ and I was amazed to find a product for sale that helps you separate your toes!  The web site even claims that this product helps:

• Exercise your feet to stay healthy & in shape
• Improve & prevent foot problems by stretching & aligning your toes.
• Ease the discomfort of Hammertoes, Bunions & Plantar Fasciitis.
• Recover from stress, strain & overuse.
• Improve foot strength, flexibility & appearance.
• Increase circulation, straighten bent toes, & realign joints.
• Improve & reduce the aches & pains associated with poor posture.

Wow, Go figure, who knew.  Fifty bucks to buy a toe separator that can put me on the road to good health.  Now, I really love my hot yoga but someone needs to snap me back into reality fast if I start walking around in these things…

Different people have different preferences of where to place their mat. Many even come extra early so that they can place their mat in the same spot every time.  The mat placement quirks remind me of superstitious athletes that need go through the same routine  before every game.  Watching mat placers is great fun.  Sit up one day before class and just watch how many people stress about their mats and towels.

Some tips and tricks on placing your mat:

• At the Front, At the Mirror - the vanity position – you need to be good - everyone is watching, it may mess you up watching the teacher backwards in the mirror, if your my age you just don’t need to see that much detail.
• Back Row - without my glasses it’s really tough to see yourself in the mirror from this far back, this is where people who want to make a quick exit position their mat, a great place for a beginner to hide
• Near the Side - if you have trouble balancing, position yourself at the wall to use the wall and cheat in balance poses, beware, the side wall is not as anonymous as you think – the whole class is watching you at during Warrior 2 or during side stretches.
• Middle Row, Middle of Room - my spot, pretty exposed but good site lines to mirror and teacher

** One final note – beware of positioning yourself near heavy breathers, they can ruin your concentration and your practice.  Heavy breathers are a lot like pre class posers.  They are self centered grandstanders that are a menace to the practice.  They believe that if their breathing and sighing is louder than the people around them, that they own the room.  Don’t be fooled, they are either out of shape or shameless attention seekers.         Good Luck placing your mat.

Almost 40 years later I actually take some Yoga classes that include chanting.  I’m still not really comfortable with it and I don’t really know why.  Maybe it’s the childhood scars, maybe because it’s in some language that I don’t understand or maybe it’s because I am not yet enlightened?   What I don’t understand is when the teacher translates it into English for us we still have to chant it in Hindi or some language that is strange go me.  Why can’t we chant in English?  I think it would be much easier to memorize, everyone would understand it and benefit from it.

Sometimes I take a class on the weekend called Jivamukti (liberating while living).  Apparently Sting, Gwyneth Paltrow and I all really enjoy it.  Now this group really likes to chant so much that the teacher actually brings and plays a weird looking ancient accordion that sits on the floor while we chant from song sheets.  In another language…

I must admit I am warming up to the Ommmmms.  Especially when one teacher told us to make a ‘chewing’ motion during the last phase of Ommmmm and another teacher told us that smiling while Ommmming can relax over 50 muscles in the body.  Personally, I like the way my brain vibrates when the sound comes out of my mouth.

It all sounded a bit freaky so I decided it was time to visit Wikipedia just to find out what these Toxins were  all about. So, the word toxin is of Greek origen and is a poisonous substance produced by living cells or organisms!!!  After a little more research my conclusion (that allows me to continue practicing yoga) is that toxins are probably better outside my body than inside my body.  (I just make sure that I shower the toxins off of me after class.)

I don’t know about you but I sweat everywhere. Its starts on my brow, then moves to my head, soon my arms are shiny with sweat…  In downward dog it drips off my head, in childs pose, a pool of water builds up in my shirt and methodically drips onto my towel.  When I roll from my back to my stomach the pool of water in my ears plugs my ears just like the swimming pool.  My nice dry towel is all soaked by the middle of class and I even find little pools of sweat on the floor around my mat. 

All this talk of sweat and toxins is really gross, it gets worse when you realize there are 30 other people in the room  doing the same thing.  Wow – I need to end this blog post but before I do I need to honestly tell you  – THE ABSOLUTE BEST PART OF HOT YOGA IS THE SWEAT!!

Most of my Yoga Stuff is Lululemon, or Under Armour and some of my street  clothes are the same material and the same brand so I started washing my yoga cloths with non yoga cloths in the same load of laundry.  Big mistake!  Now all my stuff smells like a hot yoga room.  I don’t mind the smell, but I think it might be a bit of a strange or ugly smell to other people.

Regular laundry detergent doesn’t really get the stink out so I started asking around for yoga clothing cleaning tips. 

The first good tip was mix your yoga load with baking soda - this seemed to work a bit better than the regular laundry soap but still left a considerable odour.  The second tip was to buy a special athletes detergent that takes the sweat stink out.  Didn’t work – about the same result as Baking Soda but way more expensive. 

After trial and error I think I have found the solution.  Good old Borax – just soak your yoga stuff in Borax and hot water for about four or five hours, then put it through a regular cycle and the stink will be gone. 

*everybody’s stink is different but its worth a try

Now this might be my issue, maybe I am the one that is uptight - I won’t even cut the grass in the complete  privacy of my own back yard without a t-shirt on.  In fact I won’t walk around inside my own house without a shirt on.  So maybe I am the prude.  But I don’t think so. 

I don’t want to look at some guy with a two inch long bush of chest hair, I don’t want to see some guys nipples, I don’t want to see some beautiful guys muscular chest or some fat guys belly twisting into a pose. Maybe I am wrong but… I just find men without shirts way too distracting.  If I am going to control my mind, keep it in the moment, focus on my breath and stand on one leg  – I need the men to put their shirts back on.

** special note – I am not in perfect shape but I don’t look bad.  If I was in perfect shape I would still wear a shirt in hot yoga, in the back yard and around the house.

I closed my eyes, started to relax and I heard strange rustling and groaning sounds beside me.  I slowly turned my head towards the sound , squinted my eyes open and there was the guy beside me bending his body into strange looking yoga poses before the class had even started.  Oh my god! My first class ever and I chose the spot in the room beside the olympian yogi.   My instinct was to quietly stand up, sneak out of the room and leave my mat and towel behind.  I stuck with it and decided to watch the side show.

I was truly in awe of the things he was doing until I realized that he was the only one in the class posing instead of  lying on his back.  Wait a minute… this guy was attention seeking!  Some kind of wierd passive aggressive, alpha male thing was happening here and it was getting weirder and weirder by the minute. 

After a while I figured out all I needed to do was ignore him and he would settle down and sleep backwards like the rest of us.  Strange beginning.

Into the hot room I go with my mat, towel, water and bare feet.  The wall of humidity in the room hits me hard and I remember  wondering  how I could even sit in this room for 90 minutes.  I looked around and everyone was lying on their back, facing the wrong direction and it looked as if they were either sleeping or meditating.  The weirdness begins…

So now my brain begins to go into overdrive.  Did I wear the right outfit, am I fatter than most of the people here, am I the oldest person, if they are all lying backwards which side of the room is the front, where should I put my mat, am I making too much noise?  OMG at this point it seemed as if people started opening their eyes because either I was staring at them too long or because my thoughts were so loud that I woke them up.  I felt like a deer in the headlights, paralyzed in the middle of the Yoga room!